The Boy – The Man (Audio)

Standard

I recall a memory that was etched like a holograph somewhere in me.

It has popped up recently like Princess Leia did when Luke touched R2D2.

It was dark.  I was a little boy alone in a new house, a new room.

I remember the boy trying to find his way in the dark of a strange place.

I remember the tiny cautious footsteps.

I remember my small hand reaching out in the darkness.

Tentative fingers outstretched seeking feedback from a wall,  some furniture, anything.

He needed something to help him get his bearings.

I remember the boy’s initial confidence being replaced by a growing and gradual anxiety.

It started at the base of his throat and spread up and down through his shoulders, chest, and belly.

It was not the strangeness of the house or the darkness that made him doubt.

It was the not knowing that terrorized his heart.

His heart learned fear in that space between his little brave heart’s reaching out and the wall that led him back to the familiar.

That was a long time ago but I remember.

Perhaps I have stored that memory for such a time as now,

The context is different perhaps but the terror is the same.

The hopeful part of the story is that the little boy, thumb in mouth, pressed on in spite of his trembling.

Perhaps the man will find a way to do the same.

Stay Groovy 🙂

Fishing in Bad Weather (Audio)

Standard

Energy

No focus, scattered, diffused

Where is the center now

Black marks on white

Symbols like bait dangled

Over the choppy grey waters of me

Hoping to coax a bite

Enticing emotion to rise and strike

Latch on to a word a sentence

That I may draw out of the inky black depths

Meaning, to measure on my scale

Perhaps even consume, be nourished by

Seeking some order, some way, a new step

But if no order perhaps I may hook

A plank, a stone to feel under my feet

I need to move from this place

Now (Audio)

Standard

Once bright.  Source of strength and direction.  Once comforter.  Now quietly desperate.

Stoic face.  Bruised Soul.  Bright smile with dead eyes.

No relief.

Sources of joy now steal strength like the opening of a vein.

Shallow half breaths maintain the body between sighs.

Life is played in minor chords, note by excruciating note.

Time has slowed to the pace of the geologic.

Existence is marked by the rise and fall of continents.

Minutes, hours, days, weeks, even years have no meaning and pass unmarked – unnoticed.

There is only now.

And it has settled upon him like the damp, dark earth.

The Mirror (Audio)

Standard

Momma

Once upon a time and far far away . . . . .

There was a maiden who had forgotten how beautiful she was.  Now at times she could remember, almost.  The images, the feelings, would dance just out of reach and it made her sad.

Sometimes she would forget that she had forgotten and the sadness would leave her for a while.

One day as she was walking in the wood she found a magic mirror.  She could cast her gaze there and see herself reflected back.  The mirror would speak to her using words that she had never known.  And the mirror would show her herself in fine details she had never noticed.

She began to glimpse line and curve and hue which hinted at the glory of the Being beneath the form.

She saw herself through the eyes of the mirror and was lifted up out of the ordinary into the realm of her true self, her true habitation.  And she came again, and again, and again.  How could she not?  There was happiness there.

But one day the girl noticed that the mirror had lost some of its shine.  And as she examined it more closely she noticed small fractures around it edges.  She had not realized that the mirror was so fragile.

Frightened, she wondered what to do.  What would it be like if the mirror faded or was broken.  How could she go on without it?  Could she find another mirror?  At least something shiny enough to occasionally catch a glimpse of the glorious being the mirror told her she was?

She was angry.  She felt tricked and foolish.  She felt weak and exposed in her need.  Why had she looked to start with?  That damned mirror had caused her to want to believe.  It was not her fault it was so feeble.  She tossed it aside and ran.  Angry, hot, desperate tears flowing as a primal wail escaped her throat.

She came to a pool, cool, clear, and still as death.  She thought to wash herself and drink to soothe the bitter dry ache in her throat.  But as she turned toward the pool she caught a glimpse of something in the pool’s reflection.  She was startled and horrified by what she saw there.  She recognized her own shape and face but also there was part of her she did not know.  Wraith-like a specter loomed green red and yellow.  Jealousy, hate, and fear, shone through her eyes and were reflected back to herself.  Greed and callous hunger called and beckoned her to come, to surrender.

She moaned.  She wailed.  Streams of bitter tears flooded.  Grief unknown, yet not altogether strange, saturated her being until the very last of the very last of her was undone.  Silence.  Stillness.  No sound.  No wind.  Only breathing.

She pondered the two visions she had seen of herself.  She remembered their very different power over her.  One was damnation.  The other was Life.  Having glimpsed both sides now she understood that the power of the mirror had always come from her.  And each time the mirror spoke some of its magic was diminished.

In the beginning she had responded with her full self.  The energy of her response gave back to the mirror so that neither were injured.

The mirror would  point out the unique and fine details of her and her heart would soar.  She knew her beauty was real.  She began to believe and trust that the mirror would tell her only the truth.  She had exulted in the glory of her.  Her heart had tentatively began to open and relax.  Her patterns were brighter, hopeful, she could even play a bit now.  Yet sometimes in her living she would need to remember again and would return to gaze there once more.

She was right about her trust in the mirror.  It would always reflect back to her and only the truth.  And after a while the mirror began to reflect details and forms and frightening dark things that she drew back from.

She began to withdraw her self and her energy from the mirror and it was weakened.  It began to fade and soon the small fissures could be seen growing around its edges.

There in the stillness she tried to put the pieces back together.  She was saddened but she was also angered by the demands placed upon her.  All she had wanted was to glimpse her beauty but the darkness kept peering at her around the edges.  And now in that holy place between despair and rage a great wave of grief sprang forth washing over her.  Grief for both all that she had lost, and all that she might have been.  She rode the waves as they washed her weary soul.  She remembered.  She remembered everything.  And as she remembered, compassion was birthed from her grieving heart.  Compassion for herself and compassion for all those who have trod this earth.  And in the doing she found and gave forgiveness and was freed.

After many days, and many beats of her heart she chose.  She picked up the mirror and begin to look there once more.  Only this time she did not giggle and flutter like a school girl when she recognized her singular and most exquisite self.  Moment by moment, heartbeat by heartbeat, she began to respond again to the mirror.  And when the darker places, buried, or hidden were revealed she did not swoon or run away.  She looked longest and deepest at those things now.  And as she did even those things began to take on a sublime radiance that took her breath away.

She began to talk back and reflect to the mirror what she saw and what she was learning. And after a time the mirror was whole again.  By this time she no longer needed the mirror to exist.   She was weaned from her dependence on the reflection.  But she would still come to sit and look and listen and be.

She had begun to know herself and the glory of her shook the very earth.

One day she was walking in the wood and happened upon a young maiden who had forgotten how beautiful she was . . . . .

The Bride’s Song (From the Pool) – Audio

Standard

My Love is coming to me.

My Love’s thoughts are only of me.

My Love is coming to me.

Love assured, doubts evaporate next to the fire that is my Love.

Tender and intimate words of comfort still my restless heart.

The plans are fixed but I must wait.

My Love is coming to me.

Sweet longing deepens my desire.

And I am content, for I can see no other.

Whose shape, whose fragrance, whose taste fits the longing of my Soul?

None but my Love.

So I wait and the waiting is ardor perfected in faith.

I trust in the heart of my Beloved.

Now, passing fancies are smoke on the breeze.

Distractions vanish, clinging diminishes to an hushed expectancy.

The power of the imposter vanishes like fog in the bright morning sun,

When I imagine the joining with my Love.

I can wait.

I will wait.

For now I know the answer to my Soul’s Longing.

My Love is coming to me.