Ambivalence (Audio)

I have found that most of what I write is an attempt to be descriptive of some process at work in me. And then if I go back and look at it I find that many times it was in some ways prophetic in terms of where I needed to go next. Or perhaps it is that this student is slow and can only take what I need in small doses and must return again and again until the lesson is finally learned.

When I wrote this piece some years ago there was a stubborn anger and a blind faith that refused to move from where I was. It was during the beginning of the rebirth of me or at least of my awareness of the process. Today it is less desperate anger and more a statement of faith that somehow living in the paradox is the path for me. That in deep places I already know and am slowly developing a new language to contain the sights of the undiscovered territories of my Soul. In the end I wonder if the idea of “choice” is a bit overrated. Especially if the conscious options keep one blinded to that which is hidden within view.

Am I terribly weak, or terribly strong?

I am pulled between forces stronger than the earth.

Yet I am not utterly destroyed.

I may yet lose my mind or I may find it.

I am ambivalent yet I choose.

I choose ambivalence.

I wait.

I will not choose out of fear of loss.

I do not fear loss.

I fear being lost.

And the man is lost. His fears have come upon him.

Who is he? Where will he go?

What will he do? What does he want?

He knows. He waits.

He is seeking the answer to the un-thought known.

Bubbles in the Dark (Audio)

There are times when my pathway is hidden. When the next step seems to lead off a cliff in any direction. I find at such times that there is an anxious impulse that will arise. I will tend to consider things in dialectical categories; yes – no, good – bad, right – wrong, etc. There are many times when reason is appropriate and can be a reliable guide. But, there have been others when the choices break down and there is no good choice or even bad choice. I think maybe the hardest thing to do sometimes is nothing. The impulse to move, to act, to make a choice can become quite strong. But how does one choose? The wise folks of old have left some clues. Be still . . . Don’t be anxious about tomorrow . . . Go out not knowing . . . wait and your strength will be renewed . . . the farmer plants the seed but the Creator makes it grow . . . death before rebirth . . . the Creator will complete what was begun in you. One of my mentors taught me a long time ago that if I felt like I must do something then run like hell. There is less desperation now than when I wrote what follows. There is a quietness and an awareness of the impulse to jump. So for now I sit in the ferment of me content to watch what might bubble up. Be Groovy!

Ferment

In the dark

Conversion

From one to another

Sweetness transformed

Energy released expands

Bubbles in the darkness

Changing, rearranging

Separate, watching, or not

It continues

Out of my hands

The fruits have been pressed

Latent potentials emerge

In keeping with the fruit’s nature

Patience, quiet Self

Watch the bubbles but refrain

The ferment requires no assistance

Bubbles in the dark

Reveal the Soul of the grape

Garden Update

“The Kingdom of Heaven is like a seed growing secretly . . .”

In a month or so this little space will be filled with green, and yellow blossoms and buzzing bees. There will be insects laying eggs in the earth and under leaves. Some will make their living eating the green and others will lay in wait for the ones doing that damage.

Roots will push deep into the earth, claiming space. They will support all of the green that lives in the sunshine and the wind and the rain. They will seek out places where water runs through and give every drop away to the place of the light. The dark earth, through them will be transformed into stems and vines and blossoms and leaves and fruit. They are not the stars of this ever unfolding process and never see the light except at the time of their uprooting and death. Do they ever wish to be a flower or a green leaf? Do their hearts yearn to live in the heavens and to feel the wind? Or are they content making their way deep in the damp dark earth?

Tomatoes, Zucchini black and gold, Basil, Mint, Peppers, Egg Plants, Cantaloupes, and Squash will all live together in these little spaces, moving through their cycles. When space is tight, up is the direction for growth.

Cucamelon, il melone che sembra un piccolo cetriolo

I have started some Cucamelon seeds and are waiting for them to push themselves up out of the darkness and into the light. In a couple of weeks I will plant them in the large containers and make a trellis from them to climb. It is said that they taste like cucumber with a hint of lime. I thought they were cute and would make a good salad with some grape tomatoes and onions, vinegar and olive oil.

So the planting is just about finished. As the babies settle in and grow a little I will give them a bed of clean wheat straw to help hold the water and give them a pretty place to rest. And next year that straw will become a part of the earth, enriching it. And next year’s roots will push through the earth finding water and through their magic transform last year’s straw into a squash or a tomato or a flower which feeds the bees. Be Groovy! 🙂

Grief – One Tear (Audio)

Day Eight: Describe a place. I am in a place where material subjects don’t hold my attention very well. So this is an attempt at describing an emotional space.

boy-one-tear-medium

I have penned no words for you since forever

Out of time though, my heart has done nothing but call your name

Over and over I find myself following paths that lead to you

Or rather they lead to places where I realize your absence

The separateness is startling and unreal

Grief too deep for words or tears, for they only well up in me

Perhaps I can not weep because I can not accept or come to terms with it

Or perhaps I just refuse to

But how can I come to terms with what is impossible

Just one tear would contain the sadness of the whole world

Perhaps that is why they will not flow

It would be too terrible

The Outside Called (Audio)

The Outside called.

Anxious nauseous anger

Weakness, vitality drains

Like open vein

How should I answer

Scenarios played out in my head

If this, then that, then this, then that

Same old round and round

Seeking answer, resolution, victory

Weaker with each turn of the wheel

Same old round and round

Turning inside I asked Her

I’ve never done that before

She answered, why would you again give away what belongs to me

The answer is not out there, it is here between us

The Outside called.

I didn’t answer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Plato's Groove

Learning to tell the Truth of and to one's own Soul.

Depth

Ambivalence (Audio)

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Bubbles in the Dark (Audio)

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Garden Update

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Grief – One Tear (Audio)

Day Eight: Describe a place. I am in a place where material subjects don’t hold my attention very well. So this is an attempt at describing an emotional space.

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The Outside Called (Audio)

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Day Eight: Describe a place. I am in a place where material subjects don’t hold my attention very well. So this is an attempt at describing an emotional space.

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