Note – Many times when I mention Soul or my Soul I am writing about a real internal dialogue.  This one is particularly harsh but sometimes being honest requires it.  This was written during a time when I felt particularly tired of me, tired of the search, tired of the same old same old.  Anger, even brutality spoken forcefully and truthfully is needed to cut through long held ties to falseness in oneself.  No offence is intended but on occasion offence is exactly what is needed.  The journey encompasses the full range of human emotion and experience.  None can be avoided.  And on that day this was my prayer.

I am so fucking tired of this stupid shit!

I am tired of the ineffective words and ideas which have no power.

Creator change me, rearrange me.

I am broken and without merit.

Perhaps there may be something left if it could be put back together in a new way.

A new life is needed.

I am walking death, and weakness and chaos.

Yet I Yearn.

At times I demand.

At times I beg.

At times I despair all and wish for death.

Yet I Yearn.

Damn the wanting.

Damn the yearning.

Kill me quickly that I might rise again.

Fuck You my Soul, You cruel bitch.

You seduce,

You tempt, but You do not satisfy.

You tease and mock and are wanton in the public display or Your whore-like desire.

There is a cunt in You.

There is a virgin maiden there also.

I need redemption worse than any other.

And yet I Yearn.