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Ashes (Audio)

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Silence – Seething – Stillness

Ashes – Grey and black fill the throat, choking off life.

Only barren, sterile, ache fills the chest.

The exquisite has abandoned me somewhere between pleasure and pain.

Now only numb, dull, persistent ache.

It is dumb, with no voice, no purpose.

Pain with no purpose is a cruel thing.

Exposed as foolish sears the flesh.  It dries and clings to the bone.

Even the victims triumph over me.  Yet even in all their droning they do not comprehend the wave that crashed over me.  They are right, but only about themselves.

They articulate their pain and their pain demands justice, rightly so.  But I am impotent.  I have no healing to give.  Only ashes.

Tears now, condensed like jelly.  They fill the throat.  They amass themselves behind the eyes, unable to exit the body.  It burns and steals life from me.

Eyes once filled with joy now lifeless.

Bitterness permeates life.  Not bitterness at life but the bitterness of life.

Nothing is sweet.  Joy has abandoned me.

All good seems foul to me, or perhaps it is I who fouls the good.

Laughter of friends and family and loves long-held are no comfort.  I cannot cling to them.

I recoil into the ashes. . . Into the silence.

I know not why.

Except perhaps there I have a voice.

A voice of mourning and terrible grief.

Time (Audio)

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March 9, 2013 Life coaching time Milind Jadhav

Time marks the experience of living outside of eternity. the Now.

There are eternal moments which break into time.

Sacred, holy moments.

The experience of time is not living.

It is a consciousness of not.

Perhaps that consciousness is the first signal that one has been disengaged from the flow of the Eternal.

To say that time has flown or that time is dragging is to say that the eternal Now has passed or is longed for.

(Need some jazz behind this one) Groovy

The Boy – The Man (Audio)

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I recall a memory that was etched like a holograph somewhere in me.

It has popped up recently like Princess Leia did when Luke touched R2D2.

It was dark.  I was a little boy alone in a new house, a new room.

I remember the boy trying to find his way in the dark of a strange place.

I remember the tiny cautious footsteps.

I remember my small hand reaching out in the darkness.

Tentative fingers outstretched seeking feedback from a wall,  some furniture, anything.

He needed something to help him get his bearings.

I remember the boy’s initial confidence being replaced by a growing and gradual anxiety.

It started at the base of his throat and spread up and down through his shoulders, chest, and belly.

It was not the strangeness of the house or the darkness that made him doubt.

It was the not knowing that terrorized his heart.

His heart learned fear in that space between his little brave heart’s reaching out and the wall that led him back to the familiar.

That was a long time ago but I remember.

Perhaps I have stored that memory for such a time as now,

The context is different perhaps but the terror is the same.

The hopeful part of the story is that the little boy, thumb in mouth, pressed on in spite of his trembling.

Perhaps the man will find a way to do the same.

Stay Groovy 🙂

The Space between the Milliseconds (Audio)

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Time drags and stretches from tic to tic.

I never knew there were so many intervals between seconds.

Life lived in milliseconds.

Each hung like a bead on a bitter pasty rope of tepid metallic taffy.

Each one sucks and drains and moves in opposition to life.

Divided, cordoned off.

Source of torment and relief reside together.

Filling even the space between the milliseconds with activity and lethargy.

It is all the same.

Why?  What?  How? Where?  When?

Some direction, something real is sought but not looked for.

This place is nowhere.

In between here and there, this and that.

No joy, no tears.

A place of unknowing, a place of undoing.

I am undone or am moving if at all towards that place.

My soul waits for something.

Some clue, some command to act or to refrain.

Neither come so I wait.

It is hardest during the nighttime.

Long shadows come but offer no comfort.