Her Home (Audio)

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Image result for boy small town image

A vignette – Young boy from a small Southern town.  Raised in a culture which hovers just around poverty, whatever that is. Necessity can breed genius and skills passed on from earlier generations still link him to the land.  Making do with what is available is the “redneck” way.  While he may never know the “sophistication” programmed into the larger culture, he carries in his blood a wisdom and frank view of the world that many will never fathom.  He laughs at “City” folks who would starve to death if they closed the grocery stores and cut off the water.  He wonders at their ignorance.  What follows is told in the language, inflection, and accent of that world.  A word of advice, if the world falls apart you better know some rednecks. 🙂

Yeah, I seen them pull up and stop outside her house. They seemed important, or like they wanted to be anyway, walking like they do, like they own the damn place. It was the cops and a guy in a dark suit, the man from the bank. I seen them knock on her door and wait. They talked to each other like they were making a plan or something. One of them had some papers and started shaking them at her when she finally did open the door. She just stood there, still like that big rock we played on in her backyard.  They were talking to her, but she wasn’t listening. She looked right past them, through them.  And I watched her.  She looked up and down the block then she seen me. She smiled at me and nodded as if she knew, like she was telling me goodbye or something. Then I seen her look up, past everybody to something in the sky. And I looked up too, to see what she was looking at, but all I seen was clouds. Then this dove landed on the telephone wire in front of her house. She grinned.  Her eyes lit up and her mouth moved like she was talking to somebody.  She raised her arms and took a step out the door on to the porch and then she fell down dead.  A couple of the cops got all excited and started talking on their radios and shit, and another started doing that CPR stuff on her. The banker man, he just watched like he was bored, like it was all just getting on his nerves. I saw him look at the cops then he looked at her.  Then that bastard stepped over her like she was a mat at the door. Guess he got what he wanted, but so did she. She’s finally home.

Painful Grace

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Bones ache

Muscles burn

Feet feel each step, every inch

Joints creak like a rusty hinge

In spite of the fluid that settles around my knees

There is white in my beard now and it’s spreading

It must be heavier than the dark brown

My back hurts from the weight

I never imagined being sore from sleeping

But maybe that is what muscle memory is

And I just remembered the last fifty-three years at once

Perhaps I crossed some threshold, some boundary I did not see

And here gravity’s effects are weightier

Or perhaps it is proportional to the distance traveled

The journey from knowing it all to realizing that I did not even know that I did not know

It has been said that if one is going to be stupid they need to be tough

Young ignorance can absorb many blows without penalty

The price is paid later and funds the reining in of the ego

Unconscious pain of youth absorbed and later converted

The birth pains of wisdom require awareness of every move and its impact

Feedback long delayed in youth are eminent and felt here in this new older place

The wear on body and soul speaks now calling me to put away childish things

Nudging me to focus on what is indeed important and a part of my Groove

Wasted energy and wrong directions require payment now

There is no longer the luxury of “one day I will”

Each day is all there is, now is all

It has always been so, and I begin to see if only through a glass darkly

So I welcome the reminders of life and its living

And am grateful for the painful grace that has brought me here

Bare Feet Running – Missing Her (Audio)

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Boy, shirtless, bare feet accustomed to the earth, shaggy chocolate locks lightened by the sun
Favorite ragged cut-offs tentatively hang on narrow hips
The slap, slap, slap of his stride down a well packed earthen path
Something slows and stirs and calls him to leave that way

He lay in a field of deep spring grasses
The warm earth held him, he made a bed between the sharp stiff stems and the soft grasses beneath
The buzz of insects, the call of birds, cow mooing in the distance
Grass and flower and Oak and cattle hung warmly over that place, moved about by the wind

No one had suggested it, there was no Youtube then teaching Westerners to breathe
Perhaps it was the connection of his bare feet to the soil and Her children
Perhaps it was the warmth and the buzz and the fragrance and the light and the tastes on the wind that called to him
His senses connected with the earth created a space there under the wide sky

He breathed in and out without thinking, without knowing that he matched the rhythms of Her
He felt Her pushing back holding him aloft as he lay still as a heavy and ancient stone
His mind began to sleep as his awareness awakened
Gazing deeply into the worlds that exist only in the white shifting shapes above him

He thought things that could not fit or be contained in a word
He thought, he felt, he knew without effort, it just was
He felt connected to Her in a real and material way, the boy was still, yet aware that he moved
She moved, the Earth turned and he turned with Her

He lay there out of time, floating, spinning, senses outgrown by the depth of him
Then, another call like a voice through water claimed his attention
The spinning slowed, the heaviness of him lightened, he remembered the warmth and the buzz and the fragrance and the light
Soon the slap, slap, slap of his bare feet on the hard packed dirt, all he thought was “That was so cool.” . . . bare feet running

He grinned and continued on his way thinking to return there someday.
He just remembered, feet no longer running
Perhaps I should
Perhaps I should have long ago

A few thoughts on My Dad

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Father & Daughter

I got this for my birthday this weekend.  It was a precious gift.   (Not the carving but the words)

His eyes are a darker brown, although they look black sometimes

They are covered with skin, his eyelids

They resemble his Native American ancestry – Dark brown or tanned

Springing forth from his brownish eyes and tanned skin is black hair

Though it is the same as his black eyelashes, it is a little different

The rest of his hair has gray brought on by age, kids, finances, stress, worrying, fighting, and mistakes

I like his hair, gray and black

I like the things he used to tickle me with as a child so long ago, his eyelashes

I makes him, Him

His tall, formally lanky figure intimidates some but to me it is familiar

His crooked smile that was passed down to me – That is Home

His warm creative soul is why I am who I am today

This is who I call Dad

This is who others call Mr.

This is who God calls child

He is a man

He is my dad

He is a child

He is me

The Second Half (Audio)

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Calling

I have skills

I have intelligence

I have proven courage

I am creative and imaginative

I have an easy way with people

I am moderately attractive

I am strong in action

I have access to resources

I am healthy

I have led

I have followed

I am experienced

Yet I sit

I am not lazy

I am accustomed to work

But now even marking white screen with black symbols is an effort

To what end

An act of faith, or a shot in the dark

I have

I have

I am

I am

Yet it all seems a mask, paper mache

Wire, paper, glue and hollow inside

Or perhaps a game played but no longer interesting

I seek a calling

A reason

A vision to manifest

A vocation to which I will submit the second half

A new reality on which to focus what I have and who I am

That I may be remade, renewed, restored, and redeemed

I want to be alive before I die

In submission to the true calling of my Soul

I will find my freedom